Thursday, June 11, 2009

Tears In Heaven


You might remember my post here when I blogged about my pregnancy. Well I received a lovely email from a follower asking me when my baby is due, if I am going to find out the sex, and how I am going to decorate the nursery..........So with a heavy heart I thought today will be the day that I impart the very sad news that unfortunately I lost my baby 2 weeks ago.

I can't even begin to describe the absolute shock and numbness I felt when my sonographer advised me that their was a problem with my pregnancy, my baby, that it had not grown and that she could not find a heartbeat. I do remember though, through the tears and immediate haze of grief that she was the most beautiful and caring lady, and was having a hard time herself trying not to cry. Upon leaving I clutched at her arm and said "Thank you - (sniffle, sniffle, sniffle) you have been so nice to me". And I will never forget her.

To be completely honest I never thought this would happen to me. The thought never, ever crossed my mind. I had had an uneventful first pregnancy which had produced the most beautiful and healthy little girl so why should I even worry about this one? The weeks were inked into my diary, the due date set @ 01/12/09 and of course my mind was tick, tick, ticking in regards to decorating the nursery. (Nb: Navy and Turquoise for boy / Navy and Pink for girl). I can say though I am a little ashamed at myself for not having had more empathy towards friends I had known who had miscarried. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the pain they would be feeling and my husband certainly summed it up when he said/cried "Erin, how can you love someone so much that you have never met before?". (cue breakdown). I seriously don't know.

But fortunately for me I am one of those annoyingly optimistic people, you know the one, "my glass is always half full and all that", and if anything good has come of this it is the fact that I have realised that I have the most wonderful family and friends. Seriously. My house still looks like a florist, I have had meals on wheels at my door, wine/tears/hugs and words of wisdom from friends, and a wonderful girlfriend got me a buddy box (The quirky alternative to flowers) which I am proud to say contained all chocolate which I ate in a day and you know what? It really made me feel better.

So this ones for you little babe, even though I will never see, hear or hold you here on earth I truly believe I will see you one day in heaven and until then I hope your angels take care of you until your mummy gets there.......

Thanks for attending my pity party ladies. This has made me feel much better.

xoxo

Image via; oobi.com.au

14 comments:

Natalie said...

I really feel the sadness that losing a baby brings. I too lost a baby at the beginning of the year, a baby which we were told we would never be able to have. I never knew that losing a baby at such an early stage could break my heart so much. It truly is the best thing to have caring friends and family to help bring you out of the darkness. It is actually the reason I started my own blog, but I haven't had the guts to write about it yet and it has been 6 months. Thank you for sharing, and hope you can move on and enjoy and be thankful for the precious child you have.

The art of Indecision said...

Ez, that was absolutley beautiful!
Sniff sniff...

Amanda Lonsdale said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss darling, what a beautiful entry. I'm glad you are at peace, and it sounds like you have a wonderful group of friends and family to help get you through the hard times. xx

Lejay said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. That is such sad news and you should grieve as though you already had the child in your arms. It was (and always will be) your child. Please take support in friends and family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

lizeypiker said...

Hi, I have only just started following your blog, and want to say thank you for sharing your very sad story. I have 3 kids (aged 4, 21mths and 4mths) and between number Mr 4yrs and little Miss 21months we too lost a baby. There is no way to describe that awful feeling that you get as soon as the words come out of the doctors mouth ..... but I must say I did "wonder" if everything was ok, and I think that deep down I knew that something was "just not quite right" My gorgeous hubbie on the other hand took it VERY badly! Boys just dont grow up knowing that things like this just happen .... whereas even though we dont think it will ever happen to us, we understand that it does happen. So while I sit here feeling sad, but knowing that it will all work out for you, I send my best wishes to your husband too as I am sure he is very sad also. Thinking of you

Simone said...

As I write this through tears, I hope you are on the road to healing. It seems you are. I'm praying for you and your little dear. I'm happy to hear you have such a good support network.

Jules said...

I have only just started reading your blog, and have been really enjoying it. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your baby. I have 3 beautiful boys, but I have also lost 2 babies at early stages and a third (girl)at 5 months, only last year. She was beautiful, and we got to hold her. I am glad you have written about this, as it seems as though many people still see this subject as 'taboo', but it effects many, many families out there. I just want you to know that time DOES heal, and even though you never met your baby, they will always be in your heart, part of your life, part of your family.
Best wishes.
Jules

belinda graham said...

I'm so, so sorry to hear your awful news. i can't imagine anything more heartbreaking than losing a child - born or not, once something is growing inside you, you of course consider it your child and love it so. i hope you're able to smile again soon. x

Tiina of LiviaConcept said...

i'm so sorry to hear that... i don't have children of my own so i can't really relate to the pain of yours, but i wish you and your family the best and hope you'll get through the hard times together.

The Wifestyle Files said...

Thankyou so much ladies - such sweet and lovely comments....xo We women go through so many tough times but we always come out stronger for it!

Rosie said...

Such a sad loss, my heart goes out to you. I admire you so much for 'putting it out there' as miscarriage affects so many, yet is still discussed rarely.

Eliane Zimmermann said...

so sorry for your loss. i think it was very important to write it down (in public or just for you) to acknowledge it really was YOUR CHILD and not just a medical condition. i wish you good healing! eliane from ireland (sorry for my bad English)

The Lil Bee said...

This just broke my heart. I am so so sorry for your loss. It truly is a loss, and an experience that you can never really put into words. This was a beautiful tribute.

samia said...

i can truky understand ur grief.. i myself just gave birth to a beauuuutiful baby girl.. n went through a pregnancy where i didnt find much connection with the baby.. but now she is the heart n soul of my body.. :)i understand ur love and connection to ur child.. n ur instinct to love n care for the baby wherever it is.. :) God bless ur baby.. n trust me ur baby is in teh safest hands..